Weka Condom Mpangoni.

They decided to 're-script' the  Weka Condom Mpangoni ad. I am not supporting it, neither am I against it. As I was listening to the opinions about the same from the people who have been talking about it, I remembered my own few exploits with condoms. I can confidently say that the term condom is now easier to let out than before. It still sounds weird at times though. It’s that time when the term ‘CD’ becomes the most appropriate term to use.

My life with condoms started early. That was when Trust was the brand to beat. I was in class 5 I think. I didn’t know what it was at first. It wasn’t wrapped obviously coz at that age coming across a packet of condoms was a tough thing. It was at my granny’s at Chinga where this happened. My cuzo's neighbours had this "amazing" ‘balloon’ that couldn’t burst at all. It was something normal to them coz each fished his and started stretching them. I was amazed! More so when we went to the makeshift pool at the valley below. That thing could hold water!!! Then the way he made it bounce up and down made it the funnier! It was bounce bouncing up and down in a way that was quite exhilarating to me that time.

Reproduced from the PATH website at www.path.org,

At that very moment I vowed to ask my mum to get me that balloon that never bursts, when we got back to the homestead. Returning happily to the homestead, I was excited and was looking forward to telling mum to get me that balloon. I was so excited that I forgot the pond was an out of bound area for me. Man! Was I beaten!!!! It was impossible to lie that I did not enter that pond! The pale mole - face was so obvious I couldn’t even lie in the dark! I forgot about the amazing balloon and its wiggly magic - that beating! It was later when we returned to my parent’s (home) that I knew what that balloon was. This time I landed on the top wrapper and the instructions for use enlightened me. If I knew the F word then. That would have been a perfect time to apply it in a curse.

We didn’t have a TV at that time. Explains why I was so behind in terms of “these issues” Books & magazines were our source of info. Explains why I love reading to this day. So from that day, I started recognizing condom adverts in magazines & newspapers. Plus the two people in a “funny” position on walls everywhere (Trust Advert). The blushing started when the science teacher covered the reproductive system in 6th grade.

Reproduced from the PATH website at www.path.org,

Again I met the condom again in a seminar about HIV & AIDS and that’s when I learnt of its use 'properly'. Going to high school was another good platform that I got to meet various different kinds of condoms. I got the "kumbe sabuni sio Omo tu" eureka moment. I never went to supermarkets before until I reached high school. So when I started going to supermarkets in high school, colourful display of various condoms was obviously very interesting & looked; edible. Again within this period I got to learn how to use them in practical sessions on wooden dummies. Again curiosity being at its peak no lie, it was within this period that I also saw it in application. Don’t even ask; blue movies.

Forward to 2006/7 and being a volunteer of the Red Cross, we helped distribute condoms to dispensers within the town helping the Ministry of Health. Here I got to handle the most condoms ever in life so far. Thousands! Till they ceased being a mystery.

Coming closer to present, the year is 2009! After graduating from boot camp. My friend & I got into Nakumatt Eldoret & among my shopping were 5 different brands of condoms. My obsession for condoms had started - am thinking condom collector as a better term. Even with the money, being high & expensive condoms in tow, I never got the courage to approach, tune & use them on anyone. Too much excitement killed the moment I think. In due course, friends took them one by one coz feeling like a hero, I displayed them where everybody entering my room could see them. I was back to zero.

Later the same year, my colleagues & I were sent on assignment as escorts to a posh event to escort some VIPs & in the routine-security check of the ladies, I saw a condom dispenser! 'Innocent' Kriscalf, met Female Condoms for the first time. I stashed several in my coat's inner pocket and walked out assertively & smiling inside. "The room is clear madam & ready for your use" that time female condoms were still expensive & very rare. Again I made sure everybody who came to my room saw them. Same way like my former collection, they were taken away; one by one.

Female Condoms

A few months later, I learnt that going to a VCT at work guaranteed you a packet of 100 condoms - the poorly branded but high quality condoms the government issues. Same as those we used to distribute back in the day. By now you may have realized am a fan of condoms big time. So I became a fan of VCTs because I had a ‘name to protect’. My friends had already started branding me the ‘CB-SS’ (Sure Supplier). Especially those who didn’t know where they were coming from. All they needed to do was come by my room, dip their hands in the 'cookie jar' & leave with a 4 round belt of ammo. It was okay, very okay. I then started taking female condoms for variety purposes. Then comes the time when very drunk, picking condoms at Nakumatt Lifestyle seemed so cool! Shy Kriscalf never got ‘lucky’ & so the impulse buying of condoms ceased.

Condom Bag

Come closer again & traveling with condoms became my new trend. In all my bags I had several rounds of ammo with me. Obviously I expected to get laid at every opportunity available but it did not happen. One time I lent my friend a laptop bag with several condoms inside. She spent a week with it. Definitely she found the condoms inside because on returning the bag, there was only one remaining neatly wrapped in tissue paper. I didn’t realize it until a time I was searching for coins – I stash coins in that tiny part of the bag, same compartment that the condoms happen to go. That is when I realized enheee!!!! Gone in 1 week. I didn’t ask about it. She needed it she got it. Or let’s say; she lent a friend the bag, who lent another friend, etc. But she gonna hate me when she realizes I realized, and writing about it here. You know at some of those times you don’t think thrice…

That story did not end there. Several months later, I needed to take a laptop to my sister. And it was the most convenient bag to use. So I retrieved it from its place. I emptied its contents as I cleaned it and neatly placed the wrapped condom on top of my stack of books at some corner in the house. I didn’t want my sister to start a condom collection obsession like mine. Don’t even think about it. I forgot about it. Several weeks later, the 2 I C asks me why I carry tissue every day. I said it is obvious, for number 2 purposes. In actual sense, I carry tissue for toilet services, etiquette & those very rare moments when the lady seated next to you in a mat needs a tissue, or a hankie. That didn’t mean much. On the second day I noted she was extra keen as I folded my piece of tissue. On the third day, she asked again why I carried tissue to work, she went ahead to ask if I used it and I said I did not. Then she was like “Why do you need to carry a condom to work?” it hadn’t hit me. So I responded “I do not carry condoms to work, my dear” – In the most innocent of faces. 

“And why did I find a condom wrapped with tissue on top of your books the other day?”

I started laughing even before I could configure a realistic response. She frowned.

“It’s for protection”

“One condom?” “The rest already protected you! Huh?”

“There is something I never told you, I love condoms. I always carry them in my bag & I removed it when…”

“Don’t even tell me those lies, Condoms… where are the rest?”

My Keys holder - Inner Ring of the Female Condom.

I went ahead to explain even with her screaming. I was laughing hysterically at the scene. It sounds silly to be caught with a half packet of condoms, in this case a ¼. I told her to relax because I always have a condom or condoms for that matter within my reach, whether it’s to use in the right manner, to play with it or to do other creative stuff with it. She believed me when I told her that “Even as we speak, one of my key holder’s is part of a female condom – be calm.”

Adding a condom to your your plan/plot is 100% to do with wearing it, or 'it' wearing you - no offence, but there is that 101% that they didn't mention. Have fun with the rubber. The thing people don't get is that as long as the condom has not been used for its 'primary role', its still clean - very, in fact.
Have fun with a condom next time you come across one.
Iweke mpangoni!

Armature Aerial Photography - Kenya

Wajir Airport

Sometimes back, my colleagues & I took what I would could call an air trip – like a road trip only that this time it was above the ground. It was an exciting day, coz I covered quite a big chunk of Kenya on this day. More so the larger Northern part of Kenya.

The journey started at Nanyuki, where we took off in the De Haviland in the morning. We flew to Wajir high level. It’s always exciting to feel the turbulence especially when going through a cloud. It is however a calmer as compared to the Y – 12. The Buffalo is just like riding in any other mode of transport in the sense that, you have the noisy regions, the less noisy ones, the less turbulent ones, & since this particular one did not have a pressurized cabin, temperature varied from a region to another.

I chose to stay at the farthest end on this day. I am not afraid of flying. I say this because in most of the movies I have seen, the exits always have a story to tell… at first I was seated near 3 of the exits. The main rear exit, the side door & the emergency exit was opposite. However, the temperatures were so low I couldn’t take it! The higher we went the cooler it becomes. It was so real! I moved seats to a window seat just next to the wing & I had a perfect view of the area below.

The greener regions of Laikipia are very beautiful; the flower farms of Timau, the barley plantations & the hills forming the base Mount Kenya are a great sight! The much there is to see in the ASAL region in the north, are beautiful land formations, that I couldn’t capture perfectly because I was using a poor camera, but it was a beautiful view up there. Also the communal lands and villages were another sight to behold. The clouds were like these beautiful bunches of cotton that you would love to swim in or sleep on, or something of the sort…

After like 45 minutes give or take… We arrived at Wajir Airport. Here we were hosted to cold drinks, goat meat & some chit chat before moving on. By the way, water in Wajir is salty like crazy & here its either you get used to it, or live on bottled water & sodas for the rest of your stay. As for soda, the more you drink, the more dehydrated you get & in the long run, the unhealthier you get. Wajir is a busy airport mostly used by regional carriers, humanitarian groups, non governmental organizations, private airplanes and the military/ government. It was a busy day and we happened to see a few of the planes coming in and leaving.

We refueled and again got airborne. This time we crisscrossed the north and ended up at a place called Ileret. It’s on the Northern Eastern shores of Lake Turkana. Before we landed we circled the lake near the border to Ethiopia and then landed on the airstrip at Ileret.

Ileret is among Kenya’s most remote regions. It is hot & humid like crazy and most of us removed some top clothes to t-shirts. I didn’t get much time to look around but the much I was good enough. For starters the fish here is amazingly cheap. It goes for Ksh 30/- at the time that was the price. Keep calm, for this fish is not the small idea of a fish you have in mind. The size is what retails at Nairobi around Ksh 700/- & over in an up-market meat store. Again this is not fish that is developed in a lab & full of growth accelerating hormones like the one’s we have nowadays in stagnant water ponds around the country. It’s sweet & natural, and it doesn’t smell as much as the fish I have come across. So far the Lake doesn’t have pollutants. That’s among the reasons why the fish is so good.

However, vegetables are the most expensive of commodities here. One tomato was retailing at Ksh 25/- at the time Green veggies are rare but they do come once in a while & at that time, there was a shortage of Maize in the country, the 1kg packet of maize meal was retailing at Ksh 150/-.

A colleague of mine had called in advance & we were treated to a buffet of sorts, with Goat meat, fish, cabbage (I don’t know where from) and Ugali. It was a tasty meal. The sweetest of goat meat is that from goats from the arid areas… That’s among the reasons why the likes of Ole-Polos, Kikopey & other regions surrounding dry areas are popular meat joints.

I haven’t mentioned the catch of Ileret. My catch that is… Bare chested women are real, and it’s not a big deal. It’s however an insecure location but there is security from the disciplined forces deployed in the area to maintain peace.

We then returned to our plane at the airstrip where we took off for Nanyuki again. This time we flew low along the shores of Lake Turkana & the much I can say about it is, I will go there again! We then flew to Nanyuki where we refueled again and then flew low level to Nairobi in 30 minutes give or take. It was fun.

Here are some of the photos I took. Their quality is not as good but they still okay. I am working towards getting a better camera, for better shots.

NB

- Here is a business Idea. If one was to get a refrigerated truck, ferrying vegetables to lake Turkana and bringing down fish to Nairobi wouldn’t be such a bad idea… It’s the first idea that struck my mind.

The Ground...

On the ground - Wajir

Deep Northern Eastern Kenya

Turbulence is felt most at such a point!

The Clouds

The Larger Timau

One of the engines that's keeping us up here

Above Central Kenya

Flying above Kirinyaga on the way back

Above the outskirts of Nairobi

Above the outskirts of Nairobi... You can See KCA top right

Starting the Decent towards Eastleigh Airport.

Comments & Critics are welcome.

How I joined the Military II

Previously

I got to the finishing line alright. I never fainted. I didn’t collapse. I took a fleeting look around the stadium which was full of people spectators and ‘aspirants’ as well. Soldiers don’t come to places like Kirinyaga central often. The nearest they get to Kirinyaga central is during military training deep in the Mt. Kenya forest, therefore you would expect the whole town – or almost to be at the only forum they can be with the Kenyan military – this recruitment exercise that happens annually. If you were to ask some of the residents, the much they know of the military’s job is to make people run, keep them bare-chested in-front of everybody else & dress smart to display spectacular shows for the president on National Holidays. This was part of the wrong conceptions that people had about the Kenyan military until the Al shabaab faced its wrath. 

Anyway… the race was everybody’s ‘main’ event especially the fact that over 3000 people would be running to try securing a position with the army. I picked the last of the papers after passing a few more guys who seemed to be in a worse state than I was. We were once again arranged in a line and I cannot really remember my actual position but it was between 19 and 25. Surprising huh? Yeah, above 25! Due to the high number of aspirants wishing to join the army & the probability of diluting the chances for the Naval & Air force candidates, they decided to let the Air force & Naval aspirants run in their own category that’s why the number was that good… I guess there were about 35 – 40 aspirants then. This was a definite walk over kind of thing coz at 40 people, they wouldn’t eliminate 20 people or more right? Those who finished the race were all ‘promoted’ to the next stage. They led us to a secluded area on the field & guided us through the warm down session. The ambulance was on standby, just in case someone passed out in the process. As I was jumping about like King Julian to the instructors commands, I looked at the ‘marathoner’ who had passed me on his way downhill as I was wheezing in agony uphill & wondered how it felt to use up so much energy only to realize it wasn’t a competition… I avoided rejoicing prematurely in these ‘grassroots’ lest the almighty decided that’s enough for a first timer… We rested for a while after the warm down and we got back to our weird sitting positions – in line. Feeling full of confidence, I reached for my ‘doped’ water bottle, high in glucose that my body so badly needed. The body was in so much anxiety to receive it that I could feel it tingling to the expectation. 

“WEWE!!! Hapa sio Hilton! Sawa Sawa!!???” (“You! This is not Hilton! Okay?)
I wore the most confused look ever! 
“Apana Kunywa maji hapa ovyo ovyo!!!” “Weka hiyo chupa mbali sana, ama utembee!” (You cannot just drink water here any way you want! Put that bottle away or walk!)

Picture that smile you used to wear in primary school, back in the caning days when the teacher was caning you in front of the class… with mushy eyes, flushed cheeks & blah blah… That was the moment. I was so wasted & my body was already programmed to receive a shot of glucose that was in the innocently rewound Dasani bottle. The officer went ahead to stand by my side to make sure I did not drink the water. That was a real blow! Several months later, I came to learn why that was not allowed.

I put my head in between my knees & got back to my prayer. They got us on the ‘elimination standards’ weighing scale again and I couldn’t believe how I could have lost the much I lost during that run, I was just on the cut line going towards the edge.
“Wewe, una bahatt sana!” “Nitakupitisha ukachujwe huko mbele sitaki unilaani.” (You, are very lucky! Go on ahead, you will be eliminated in the later stages. I don’t want you to curse me) I said a frail thank you & moved on.

Next was what I would consider the real medical examination. This involved blood, urine, balls and etc. Yeah I said balls. I was good with the eyes, I then went ahead to the urine & blood tests. This was an interesting part. Two tents were involved. The first tent was the one that this stage took place. The lady who was there, took my blood pressure & recorded it on a piece of paper & extracted a sample of blood which she passed on to an analyst at the back.
“Hii ni 55kgs kweli?” (“Is this 55kgs really?”)
I didn’t answer immediately, & not that I was planning to answer… but “Si naongea na wewe?” (“I think I am talking to you”) brought me to my senses. I told her that I had passed those stages. I looked at my scrawny form & was surprised & disappointed as well that it had taken a military doctor to influence me to take a good look at myself. She just replied with an “okay… Kimbia ukojolee hii alafu uniletee hapa” (Okay, run & pee on this, then you bring it to me here.) it could have been mistaken for a pregnancy test kit but looking closely it was a bit more urbane than a pregnancy kit.

Peeing on a peculiar looking strip of whatever it was that was, is no biggie, but being escorted & guarded while doing it was the eeriest thing ever by the time. By that time, moveable toilets were not that popular & the makeshift toilet was just a secluded area at the eastern end of the field under some trees, surrounded by sisal tent at the sides. Aiming at anything within & below waist level is piece of cake for a guy, But Alas!!! 20 seconds, 30 seconds, a minute… 
“Kijana unafanya nini?!!!” (Young man! What are you doing?!!!)
“Imekataa!” (It has refused)
“Imekataa nini? (What has it refused to do?)  
I dint know whether it was panic, anxiety or the embarrassment of peeing while ‘guarded’ with several thousands of people watching me. Two other guys came & left the makeshift urinal & I was still there waiting for my bladder valves to come through.

Eventually, it came, can’t tell after how long but it was quite a relief! I walked fast and took my urine sample to the tent. The doctor was smiling as I handed her the ‘returns’. She told me to join the rest outside the tent. We waited for the results as an Air force officer talked to us about general stuff. It then turned into a Q n A session.

The lab test results were not announced but they were just mentioned those who had passed. We had dropped to 9. We were led to the second tent. This is where the real drama of military recruitment takes place. I cannot tell what happens in the ladies tent, maybe a reader can enlighten us, but for our tent, the men’s tent wa!

I was asked to remove my clothes. Since I was shirtless, all I needed to do was to drop the track suit I had to the ankles. There was a split second of embarrassment and then I didn’t think twice about the whole striping thing. The doc was a male of around 35 – 45 years of age with a stone face as serious as death. 
He asked me to get closer to him which I did. He then gave me the two finger sign of opening wide. The legs of course.

He made me understand that as per the military standards requirement , he was going to check if I had all organs in place. I smiled as I said it was okay for him to carry on with his tests. Enough bush beating. He held my ‘areas’ and I could feel him searching for one lost ‘fellow’ who I understand was up in hiding & hadn't dropped to his resting position coz of the run that I had just finished. It was pretty normal. This also happens when swimming. It’s a safety mechanism of sorts, just like planes have to retract their landing gear after taking off & keeping it in till when landing… when the lost thingy was found, he proceeded to the kidneys which weren't hard to find. I was asked to inhale and exhale both deeply & shallowly and try out a dry cough until he got contented. Absence of scars meant, I hadn't undergone through any surgery. He was kind enough to tell me that I was good for the job if I had gone that far. I pulled up my track & thanked him for the ‘encouragement’ as I walked out.

Back to the discussion outside, the officer was still answering questions from the curious ‘aspirants’. Then it got to the point on performance in relation to career choice. As obvious, I would ask stuff aviation whenever an opportunity arose. In a brief he told us that in the Air force, the line that we were targeting would not lead us ‘directly’ into flying. He asked if anybody would be willing to let go & give the chance to somebody else in the line that had a lower grade so that we could pursue the flying itself. This in other words, he meant, we give up the progress & wait for cadets’ recruitment instead. Then anyone willing; I especially, would be well aligned for a piloting career. On offer as an airman was just aeronautical engineering.

I considered the options but decided against giving my slot to someone “who did not have a chance to university” who was on the standby line back in the field. I was confident enough to decline the offer since I was aware that getting shortlisted for the cadet school is quite a hard chance. I chose to take aeronautical since the far I had come, was not an easy ride.

He then gave us advice on was expected of us in-case we sailed through & was again quick to emphasize that with our grades, we were better off as cadets not recruits. A bird in hand is worth two in the bush. Pretty simple in such a scenario & I shut out the possibilities of undergoing another process like such. Not that I couldn't hack it, but to me, at that moment, that was a decision I certified as best & God was proving it every single step of the way. In my mind a voice was telling me to continue, some door will open up once inside as an airman.

He wished us all the best as we proceeded to an exam room modified hall. Here we were to do an aptitude test that would further eliminate people. The Air force was down to 8 people. I do not know where the Navy aspirants were taken, for we were just the 8 of us wishing to join the Air force.   

We were asked to produce our certificates for further scrutiny. The aptitude test was part of the elimination, as well as an interview for enrollment in the Defense Forces Technical College; then the Kenya Armed Forces Technical College. One guy accidentally produced credentials for a Diploma in Hotel Management & was quickly dismissed from the room. He was not even allowed to say anything. Their point was he had already gone through what most in the room hadn't had an opportunity to get, at his level & he should go out there & find a job with his diploma.

I cannot judge their action because they had the right to do so. They however made him understand that they were seeking form IV leavers who didn't have an opportunity like his. He walked out a very disenchanted man. There were no ladies at this level. We sat for the ever tricky aptitude test which was a series of papers with many short questions which seem very easy yet so tricky. By the glory of God I passed and was among the 4 people who were top on the list. I was so happy that I couldn't even rejoice – I call it the other side of the curve. Somehow I felt rejoicing wouldn't be enough. We were led to the documentation center which was at the dais of the stadium. From here everything moved very fast.

Here our documents were taken, the National ID never to return. Our finger prints were taken as well and documented. We then signed ‘The Contract’. Our ID’s were replaced by a ‘Calling Letter’ that would be our document of identification for the next two weeks till reporting day.

I did my prayer as we waited for the final word. It is then that I realized how deserted the field was – most of the people had left & the day was ending. We assembled at the middle of the field while the soldiers were busy tiding up & packing their belongings and loading them into their lorries. We were a total of 22 men and 2 ladies. We were briefed and the recruiting officer emphasized the need to keep ourselves safe, healthy & calm until we reported to the training school at Eldoret.

I said my prayer again after being dismissed and as evening was approaching, I walked to the hilly end of the field. I looked down, wondering how I looked among the aspirants trying out in the field that day. As I was lost in my own world, one of the friends who had earlier made fun of my trotting was wondering what I was doing there all confused and ‘looking’ disappointed. I told him I was just relaxing and re-hydrating as he could see from the bottle in hand. He told me I am too young to worry & should let things go as they fancied.

Little did he know that my heart was the calmest it had ever been in the recent past. I never mentioned that I had been recruited. There wasn't a need to. I switched my phone & called Dominic & Ed for the routine evening coffee before we walked home. I didn't mention anything. I grew up knowing great things are kept under covers till they succeeded – my parents.

Plan B was in Motion.

NB

- The military is self contained & there are all sorts of careers, from surgeons, to chiropractors, pilots to engineers, clerks, drivers, librarians, teachers, chefs, police, journalists, tailors, surveyors, lawyers et al. I only mentioned aeronautical engineering since it was my interest at the time, though the officer had suggested other courses as well.

- The term ‘Army’ has several meanings, one being serving the military as a career & another one being an organized force mandated to protect a country from external attacks on land. Thus Navy ocean, Army Land, Air force air. That includes logistics in their respective areas or responsibilities. I.e. Air force moving troops & cargo in the air, army on land & navy via the ocean. 

- On a controversial note, the term officer - as my colleagues would argue, is 'normally' meant to refer to 'Commissioned officers', however in this article I have used the term 'Officer' to refer to both 'Commissioned & non commissioned officers' in general its only fair in 'my conscience' to do so. Either way, they are all soldiers.

- This day - 27^th March marks 4 years after graduation from basic training. Thanks be to the almighty.

Next. Life after recruitment.